


we're like the tides, constantly pushing and pulling

by zanarkands



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, Pining, Some Fluff, hanil is a pure ship but i made it sad, i made myself emo writing this, lapslock, lots of pining and longing lol, please forgive me and love these two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2016-07-07
Packaged: 2018-07-21 14:00:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7390021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zanarkands/pseuds/zanarkands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>he’s not sure how it started. when he looked for his face in a crowd. when he started staring longer than usual. when that blooming feeling appeared in his chest whenever he so much as glanced back at him. when everything started to feel so simultaneously incomplete and complete. he’s just not sure how any of it started, and he’s not even sure what any of it is. .</p>
            </blockquote>





	we're like the tides, constantly pushing and pulling

**Author's Note:**

> loosely inspired by [this](http://imgur.com/BrZTXto)  
> please forgive any spelling and grammar mistakes ;;; i wrote this and just posted it w/o checking if i waited any longer to post this i would've jumped out my window

_**i.** _

hansol doesn't remember much of the day he met moon taeil. all he remembers is a shy smile, a lovely voice, and curious eyes that confused him. he remembers not being the oldest anymore and a subtle shift. he remembers watching him walk away and feeling different. everything was different. 

_**ii.** _

they're sitting at the dorms, reading through the plans for their upcoming show. 

"so after the 3-part harmony you and yuta will walk out from the sides and sing along followed by everyone else, ok?" when taeil speaks to hansol it's soft and hesitant, like he's still unsure and nervous, like he's guilty of something. his hands are shaking a little and hansol places his own over to still them. 

"you don't have to feel bad, you know." 

taeil worries at his bottom lip, not making eye contact, and something about it stirs his nerves. "i mean it, stuff like this happens all the time. i wasn't even an official leader, i was just the oldest, and now you're the oldest. we all help each other out so don't stress it too much, taeil." 

when they finally make eye contact hansol makes sure to hold his gaze, as a way to assure his message is received. they don't say anything for some time, letting everything soak in the air. 

finally, taeil excuses himself to bed, uncovering his hands and dusting off his pants before standing. but before turning the corner to the hall he stops and looks back at hansol, a very small smile on his lips. "thank you." he says and it feels genuine. it occurs to him right there that taeil's smile is surprisingly warm, when it's not being used as a way to hide his nervousness, when it's genuine and sincere, even a small one like this. he smiles back, the warmth settling on his cheeks goes unnoticed. 

**_iii._ **

 2 hours have passed since their 'official' practice had ended, but there was still a lot to go over, a lot to perfect and polish. time was closing in and hansol needed to be ready. he needed to practice despite the heavy weight of exhaustion and burning of sore muscles, even if he ended up giving out right there in the practice room.

"don't overexert yourself." the familiarity of the voice has hansol whipping his head immediately. buried in an oversized hoodie is taeil, reaching out to hand hansol a cold water bottle. "if you end up injuring yourself all this practice will be for nothing."

"maybe. or maybe it'll be worth it and my routine will be perfect."

"is it ever really perfect to you, though?" the question catches him off-guard and he looks over, perplexed. which prompts taeil to explain himself, hands out in a defensive manner. "i mean, you're always scrutinizing yourself and it's like you're always practicing but you never think it's good enough. you'd practice until you hurt yourself and then it'd be a waste because you couldn't perform." he's looking cautiously at hansol, whose face is still processing the words.

 "it's hard....dancing means so much to me that i rely on it. if it's not up to par then i need to get better and if i don't get better then i'm useless...."

this time it's taeil's hands covering his and maintaining the eye contact. it's taeil who reassures hansol that his hard work will pay off and that pushing himself too hard will only do more hurt than good. it's taeil who walks with him back to the dorm, their arms brushing as they walk. it's taeil's muffled voice that lulls him to sleep while he sings in the shower.

in his dream it's taeil who shows up. 

_**iv.** _

at the show everyone is on edge. ten goes over dance steps with jaehyun and johnny. taeyong watches them and tries to follow along. yuta reads over the script in the corner with doyoung, who points out important bits. 

hansol watches taeil in the corner, fiddling with his stage outfit. he looks more nervous than ever. 

"it's okay." it doesn't take long for hansol to walk over and place a reassuring hand on his shoulder, it also doesn't take long for taeil to relax into the touch, looking to hansol with a thankful nod. and they stay like that until the backstage director huddles everyone together and begins the countdown to the show. 

    *

listening to taeil sing is like a otherworldly phenomena. on stage where he shines the brightest and pours every ounce of himself into a song has hansol catching his breath. he's backstage, watching so intensely he's almost forgotten he's supposed to perform right after.

the light from above catches taeil and he's smiling that genuine smile, the one that lights up his whole face, and from where he's standing hansol could swear he's glowing from head to toe. the crowd cheers so long that it reverberates in his chest, along with a familiar warmth. 

_**v.** _

he’s not sure how it started. when he looked for his face in a crowd. when he started staring longer than usual. when that blooming feeling appeared in his chest whenever he so much as glanced back at him. when everything started to feel so simultaneously incomplete and complete. he’s just not sure how any of it started, and he’s even sure what any of itis. 

he's only sure about one thing right now: moon taeil is beautiful. right there next to hansol, walking back to the dorms with their fingers grazing every other step; right there in the afterglow of the day when the sun has gone down and the lowlight of the street lamps illuminating his face; right here in the aftermath of the day when he's sleepy and his voice drops lower and he tries not to laugh too loud at one of his own jokes; just right there being moon taeil. he couldn't be more beautiful. 

_**vi.** _

the news came fairly quick.

"they said i'm going to debut." taeil's voice is shaky, borderline frightened. he's laying in bed but far from sleeping, staring at hansol from the other side of the room.

"you're going to be amazing." he's staring back at him, calm. 

 "i'm scared i won't be good enough." 

     *

when ten wakes up the next morning he's only mildly surprised to see hansol out of his bed, instead in someone else's with his head nestled atop messy brown hair and a sleeping taeil curled into his chest, breathing even and softly snoring. ten leaves the room with a knowing grin. 

_**vii.** _

 the softness of taeil's lips is a particular thought that runs through hansol's mind more often than it should. he's not supposed to be thinking about swell of his bottom lip or paying attention to the way taeil bites down on it when he's concentrating. he's not supposed to be watching the way they wrap around the tip of a water bottle or thinking about, maybe, just maybe, the way they would feel against his skin. and that thought shouldn't slide into a daydream of a series of more inappropriate thoughts.

and taeil shouldn't smile as big as he does when he catches him staring again, sticking his tongue out like that's not another subject he's constantly trying to refrain from contemplating. 

 

_**viii.** _

"blonde?" he's lazily running his fingers through taeil's wet hair. he's freshly showered and they're laying on the couch, too close for comfort. 

"for now until they dye it again. oh, and they want to cut it shorter."

the mental image of taeil with blonde locks makes him wrinkle his nose. "i like darker hair." 

taeil laughs and swats away his hand. "a change is nice once in a while and they have an image in mind for me." 

hansol doesn't argue with him, only rests his chin on the crown of taeil's head and lets out a sigh. 

"are you going to stop liking me because of my hair." 

"i'll like you with any hair color because it's you." 

he can feel taeil stop breathing for a moment then let out a deep sigh, leaning his back into hansol.

he didn't mean to say it out loud.

 

_**ix.** _

he didn't intend to stay up so late, in fact, he's exhausted from endless practice. but here he is sitting in the dark of his shared room staring at the door. it's subconscious, him waiting for taeil to come 'home' before falling asleep. he really did try to go to sleep but the thumping in his chest keeps him restless. 

hansol rubs the fake sleep from his eyes, rising from the bed to glance at the illuminated figure in the doorway. he knows who it is already but feigns ignorance. “taeil?”

“i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to wake you.” taeil raises his shoulders and quietly shuts the door behind him. his voice sounds low and exhausted which worries hansol but he doesn’t say anything, just lays back down and watches taeil try to make his way to his bed. he stops midway to glance at ten’s bed, empty and messy and shakes his head before continuing to his own bed.

“he could’ve fixed his bed before leaving.” taeil nags as he buries himself in blankets, facing the ceiling.

“you hang out with taeyong too much, you’re starting to sound like him.” hansol wrinkles his nose, he knows he sounds like a jealous lover but it’s not intentional. “..sorry.”

there’s a laugh, taeil’s laugh, and it’s genuine and warm and hansol wants to bask in the tune. it’s been some time since it has sounded so rich and genuine, usually masked with exhaustion and strain. he eats it up as if he’s starved. a smile curls on his lips and he turns to face him in the darkness, taeil is still trying to suppress little chuckles with his hand. hansol continues to stare at him even when taeil finally turns to face him. there's something about the way they keep each other's gaze, something about how, despite the dark, they can still see each other like they've memorized each little feature, every little mole, every curve of a jaw, the swell of lips. there are words catching in hansol's throat; he can feel them, trying to make themselves known and find purchase in taeil's ear. but they never make it out. the bubbling fear in hansol's stomach is too strong and instead he falls asleep, thinking about the possibility of something beyond what he's so afraid of. 

_**x.** _

when they first kiss it's midday and they're supposed to be filming short self videos for twitter. they're side by side and their knees are touching, which makes hansol smile to himself. it's quiet, until taeil asks a simple question.

"can i kiss you?" it's a question hansol never thought he'd hear in reality, only ever in his dreams after which he wakes up embarrassed and ten asks why he looks so flustered. the words sound nice in taeil's voice, that lovely voice he remembers hearing for the first time a year ago. 

"you want to kiss me?" hansol shifts his body so he's facing taeil and rests his cheek on the inside of his palm, lazily, as if he's trying to be passive and cool. but taeil can't hear the thumping in his chest or feel the fire on his skin through the sleeves of his pullover. 

the answer to his question is a quick brush of lips and taeil's nose knocking into his own. the second attempt is more lips, less nose. the third attempt is cut short when a nosy doyoung walks in unannounced. the fourth attempt happens back in their room with the door secured. it's perfect.

the fifth and sixth are just for fun. 

_**xi.** _

"what are we?" taeil asks from across the practice room, he's wiping sweat from his neck and hansol is acutely aware of each drop on his skin. he gulps down his water.

"what do you mean?" hansol tilts his head away, he's not sure why but he has the urge to get up and run away. the intensity in taeil's eyes bores into him and he stays in place.

"i...just thought...maybe.." taeil's voice trails off, a sad whisper.

it takes time for hansol to answer, he doesn't know what they are. "we're just...us."

"us?" 

"yeah, us." the rosiness in taeil's cheeks doesn't go unnoticed, his cheeks mirror the color too.

  _ **xii.**_

they’re laying in bed, a mess of tangled limbs and disheveled hair, on the brink of losing touch with reality when he says it. the words barely slipping past his lips.

“i think i love you. _”_

the bed shakes when taeil turns to face him, eyes intense and dark with sudden fear. his bottom lip quivering and he bites down on it.  hansol doesn’t know what to say, he can barely process the situation; too caught up in the constant replay of taeil’s voice swirling in his head. he ends up turning the other way.

 “you should get some sleep.” he’s really selfish sometimes.

_**xiii.** _

taeil stops trying. he stops going out of his way to speak to him, he stops walking with him after practice, he stops stealing glances at him when they're around everyone, he stops sleeping in their room, he stops going out his way to be next to him, he stops trying to make any kind of skin to skin contact. taeil stops himself from being in love with hansol. 

 there's just sadness in everything that taeil does: walking through the dorms, practicing routines, singing. it's gloomy and shadows the natural glow he emits and hansol knows it's his fault. it's always been his fault, really, all the pining and the secret language between them, only to run when it got a little too fast, too soon. and hansol hates himself for it.

but really, how can he stand himself when taeil's face doesn't light up when he smiles anymore. truth is, he can't. 

_**xiv.** _

taeil's bed is empty again, it's been months since he's slept there. he has no right to feel this way but there's a longing burrowing itself in his chest, making a home and spreading into his lungs till he can't breathe. everything feels cold- it makes the pain hurt more.

_**xv.**_

hansol remembers a lot about moon taeil, from the way his lips curl lopsided when he smiles mischievously to the way he snores softly in a comfortable slumber. from the way his neck flushes when he kisses the mole at the bottom to the way he leans into him after a long day of lights and pressure. he still remembers the lovely voice, shy smile, and curious eyes. he remembers fallingin love and running away so fast he caught fire in his tracks.

if hansol thinks hard enough he can maybe pinpoint where it all had started: where the feelings began and manifested into something he couldn't really fathom. 

on the contrary, he can pinpoint where it all fell apart: where the web collapsed before the seams could even be fully stitched- he thinks about it so much he has to try harder to forget. the memory is stuck on a painful loop. 

on the bright side, taeil smiles more now. he laughs heartily and jokes around animatedly with everyone. there's color in his cheeks when he's flustered and his whole being has never radiated such sunshine. it hurts, though, to know hansol isn't the reason anymore, that he no longer will. but, taeil's happy so he figures he should probably move on too, even if he won't ever feel that familiar warmth again. even if everything was different now.

**Author's Note:**

> ;;_______;;  
> forgive me 
> 
> (thank u in advance for any comments or kudos they rly mean a lot to me)


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